So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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