I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hippo gnu deer
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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