Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
this beer tastes like vomit already
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
