He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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