I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
