even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
