Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
