I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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