I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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