guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
