So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
