meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
