she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize