I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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