It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
