Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
