Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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