Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
