I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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