i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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