There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
