My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize