Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
