two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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