i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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