Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
