You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
