Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
