I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
