My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize