Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
