if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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