If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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