Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
