I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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