where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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