Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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