I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
