Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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