Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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