I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
