Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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