If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
