you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We are all done wearing pants today
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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