I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize