Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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