Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Two words: nipple clamps
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