ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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