Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
