Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
FUCK WHALES
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
