I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
