Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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