youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
