So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
