Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
