No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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