Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
